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Archive for October 2012

My Great British Bake Off Showstopper

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So I finally got around to seeing the final of this year’s Great British Bake-Off. With Paul and Mary anointing the coveted title on the final three’s showstoppers – cakes to represent the past year– it got me thinking. What would my cake be?

Would it be getting a ‘proper’ job? Would it be moving? Would it be turning 30 and supposedly becoming proper adult or something? No, of course it wouldn’t – mine would be an accurate and thoughtful representation of the two months this year I spent with chronic cystitis.

As you see from my detailed and laboured drawing across, the cake would heavily compromise chocolate to represent the mountains of it I stuffed in my face to make myself feel better; the blue and yellow freckles represent the three types of antibiotics which I had to take for the condition (all of which useless) and the dusting of white refers to the copious amounts of Oasis (not the drink but the Canesten Oasis sachets) which I had to down at several intervals throughout the day to take the edge off feeling a dragon had taken up residency inside and woke up intermittently when I needed to wee). The crowning glory on top is a cranberry fountain (please note that although a great deal of cranberry juice was consumed during this time, and to make this an accurate reflection of those eight weeks, the fountain will only emit short and painful bursts).

Eat up Mary and Paul, eat up!

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Written by because140charactersisnotenough

October 21, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Posted in Observations, TV

Self-advice

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I’ve been reviewing old photos this evening and have some advice for myself:

  • With make-up, if you have a deathly pallor and teenage skin that is still hanging around well into your thirties, more is always better
  • Also, make time for make-up. You have been better at this in the past two years (hence the Boots points) but even when you are on holiday and tired and hungover and sleep deprived – put on some fucking make-up
  • V-necked tops make you look like you are smuggling an arse on your chest – DON’T WEAR THEM
  • Let’s face it, you are not a Bettie Page-ish sex kitten so getting rid of the scalloped fringe may have been one of your better life choices. You also do not suit a short fringe so stop asking for one in the hairdressers
  • Don’t be tempted by blonde in any shape or form again – it’s not you. Same goes with black and red hair
  • Don’t pose like you are a cheap sex doll – no one wants to see the inside of your mouth and you don’t want people to associate you with being ‘wacky’ or ‘zany’
  • Learn to pose a bit better – not Hollywood red carpet, just not all angular and weird
  • Smile, but don’t smile deranged (see photos of you with Olympians that you won’t upload to Facebook)
  • Open your eyes – half opened Daisy Steiner eyes are NOT a good look. However, don’t try and overcompensate by giving the crazy eyes (see earlier photos)
  • Try not to go 0-Courtney Love after a few drinks – it’s not a good look on you
  • If it’s hot, get the Papier Poudres out – there is a ‘healthy glow’ and unfortunately, as often the case with you, having a bit of a ‘sweaty looking face’
  • Even though you removed everyone from school off your Facebook, suck that gut in. Also, when you go on holiday you tend to get bloated so don’t pack two weeks of tight t-shirts, eh?
  • Eyeliner, red lippie (within reason – throw the slaggy Boots and Rimmel ones away) and mascara are your friends. As are foundation sticks, foundation (applied with a brush), loose powder, highlighting powder, bronzer, subtle cheek colour and good eye shadow. You can pass for ok when you’ve made an effort
  • Don’t even think about touching your eyebrows (see every photo of yourself 1996-2011)

Written by because140charactersisnotenough

October 19, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Posted in Observations